I knew it was whiter than those other candy bars
I withstood the mocking from my friends, both near and far
Six inches of whiteness -- at least on the outside
But inside was milky chocolate, a great new candy star!

Since the wrapper was faulty, I ripped it apart
When I tasted this sweet thing, I joyfully thanked the Quickie Mart

But it's nobody's Zero
Lonely near the counter, a very neglected confection
Zero
Landed at the register, ideal of candy bar perfection
Zero
Not Snickers, Milky Way, or wimpy Three Musketeers
Zero
This humble little candy bar could proudly kick their chocolate rears
But nobody remembers to buy a
Zero!

I didn't know the clerk, but I knew his taste in treats
The local sugar expert, he had lost 'bout half his teeth
Still he grimaced smartly when his customers bought some Twix
It was all that he could do to prevent himself from getting sick

As the delivery truck pulled in, at a quarter past midnight
I staked out the Circle-K and knew my urge would be met that night

'Cause I'm a fan of
Zero
This quiet candy bar
Ruled through most of the '80s
Zero
Competing with the Kit-Kats, yet favored by men and ladies
Zero
Not a bawdy Reggie, or disgusting Almond Joy
Zero
Deserves to be the candy mascot for every girl and boy
Too bad no one's buying
Another Zero

As I paid my dollar, I gave out a holler
When I realized that I had enough change to buy another!
Another Zero!
Not your average candy, with quite an unorthodox name
Zero
Sits lonely in the Quik Trip, calling other candy names
Zero
There's no glorious mantra, by which you'll know this fine bar
Zero
Seldom brought by Santa, leaving many stockings subpar
Since he's never buying
Nobody's Zero!